My Heart Wasn’t In It

I haven’t posted very much this past year. To be honest, my heart wasn’t in it. I was afraid that I would look like a fraud! I have a tendency, as we all do I’m sure, to show all the highlights of our lives to the world while sitting on all the rest. And if I’m being honest, there just wasn’t much to highlight.

This has been a difficult season for several different reasons. Many of you know that I became very ill in early 2020 with Covid and then I ended up with Mono just a couple of months after that. Those two illnesses were only the beginning of my health issues. I spent the next 18 months wondering if I would EVER be well again.

While all of that was going on, I was also dealing with the loss of one of my children and my grandchild. I don’t mean a loss as in loss of life, but rather a loss as in she decided that she no longer wanted to be a part of our family. It has now been well over a year since I have seen my oldest daughter or my granddaughter. The pain of that took hold of my heart and consumed me more than you could know. Mourning the loss of a child who is still alive is pretty much as painful as it gets.

Giving It All To God

I am still dealing with my health issues, but at least now I have answers. I know now that getting sick triggered what is called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, and I will probably always have to deal with this. There is no cure, but it can be managed. I have finally begun learning what foods and household products to avoid in order to prevent a flare. This has been a huge accomplishment! I have so much to be thankful for.

As for my daughter… well I’m not going to go into detail about that. It hurts as I’m sure you can imagine. But for my own peace and sanity I had to allow her to walk away. I had to give all of it to God. I cried and cried for many months until one day I just couldn’t cry anymore. I have exchanged my tears for prayer. I pray for her and my granddaughter. I truly want them to be happy. But I had to let them go. I had to release them from my heart and into God’s hands.

Life has not been all rainbows and butterflies. I moved away from the city to find joy, but life can still be difficult even in the rural part of the world. I have neglected this blog because my heart wasn’t in it, but I need to do better about sharing it all… not just the highlight reels. So with the new year, I’m hoping to be more transparent. I promised to share my heart here on this blog, so that is what I’m going to do. I’m going to share more than just rabbits for sale.